hey everyone,

I don't know where to start exactly so I think I’ll just start with: I am... or was now, very depressed the last couple of months and truthfully I wasn't myself for a long time. That's what i told my parents (and grandfather) yesterday. I always keep my thoughts and emotions bundled up inside and yesterday I... just couldn't take it anymore.

One of the biggest reasons is that I feel like a loser, like I can't do anything right in my entire life. I wasn't the best student; I can learn that good and physically I’m a wimp. And even socially I’m a complete dork. For the last 3 years I’ve been limping on to one education to another and that really brought up that feeling like I’m good for nothing. Even with the education now... I really thought it's what I wanted to do (I don't know the name of the education in English but it's got to do with making and designing websites) but when i stare at those codes I feel like I’m staring at Egyptian hieroglyphics. I kept fooling myself that is was what I wanted to do and the more I kept saying it the more it failed at school.

Another big reason is the feeling that I’m losing the few real friends that i have. They all go to different schools so I really can't talk to them that much. The real reason for this is that i lost a friend because I’ve been held back 5 years ago. He was my friends for 8 years and after the summer break he just wouldn’t talk to me anymore, like he too smart for me to talk to or something. Well, that really hurt me. A 8 year long friendship and he just walks away like it didn’t happen.

Because of all this crap that is happening to me I would get grumpy and angry, but I has too headstrong to talk to anyone. I just kept saying to myself that it was all right, but isn’t. In the last couple of months I really bugged and even hurt my friends who saw that everything wasn’t all right and tried to help me and I just shoved them away. And for that I sincerely apologize. My friends are my whole life and they’re the thing that kept me up when I was down.

Well, so I talked to my grandfather yesterday (a really…, maybe too, smart man) and he really helped me up. It was really… intense and I cried like I hadn’t cried in years (wait, I thing that’s true :S). I spilled everything to him, every little thing that bugged me. So now, I’m must take a test somewhere in Den Haag (I don’t know if the non-Dutch people know that city?) to look in what direction I must look for an education. And he said to me, people come and go but your REAL friends stick by you. And I think that’s true. I really want to make this a turning point in my life, to better it so I won’t ever feel this way every again. I will be more open to my friends and I really want to give them the trust, they are giving me.

So I feel really empty now, it’s nice to just type out your problems and I know that people wouldn’t care less about my problems, but I typed it out for myself and my family who check my account out once in a while. This was a long journal and I hope that the next one will be a very, very, very happy one.

Stefan